I and my thin Phoenix-blood have been calling Palmer Lake, near Colorado Springs home for nearly two weeks now, and will yet be calling this town home for three and a half more.
I am here with 39 other missionaries attending a program bent on preparing us for the mission field. A heavy task this is. Instead of boring you with details of what I am learning here, allow me to share my mind.
Fear. I am fearful. I cannot explain the inner turmoil, the paradox of the excitement and joy of leaving overseas soon, a date that is so near, to the disquiet of leaving my family that has been such a necessary unit for the past year and a half. I am fearful in leaving my steadfast and stalwart support system of mentors and friends. Leaving what is common and safe and known for a place where I have no friends, little knowledge and confidence. God help me; I am scared.
Anxiety. I am anxious for the loneliness I believe will come with leaving such dear ones in the US. Who will call me when I am gone? Who can I vent frustrations to when my day is done? Who is going to celebrate the joys with me? Who will read my face and know when I am upset, simply because they know me well? Who will hold and hug me? Who will laugh with me? God help me; I am anxious.
Audacity. Who am I that I am this audacious to believe I can help, understand, live with, and not be torn asunder by the lives and stories of the women and children I will come to love? I am comfortable with the concept that it is my Jesus who must do the work, but am I able to step aside and be an instrument for Him whom heals? God help me; I am bold without any right to be.
And so I sit in this passage:
God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
God proves to be good to the one who passionately waits,
to the one who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
Lamentations 3:22-26a [The Message]
4 comments:
You are so amazing. If you ever need someone to talk to just all me or fb me or whatever you know I will be there. You will do so awesome and gain so many new experiences that nobody we grew up with will ever have and when it comes time for our High school reunion you will have the coolest stories around. Plus once you go you never know who you might run into it just might be your future hubby. I know your family has been your rock for you but if you think about it you probably been their rock. They will be blessed by your willingness to serve. I am so proud of you I wish I had a little pinch of your courage to go and face a world that you will see. I know you will be so awesome and God will be with you no matter what so push those fears and anxieties aside because you are awesome. Love ya Erin
It looks freezing there!!! But besides that, thanks for sharing your heart with us. It is great to see how real you are, and have always been. I love you and pray for your "clinging to the Lord because that is all you have left."
The emotions you described sound like humility to me...and God can do amazing things with a humble heart! Please know that I am one of the many holding you up in prayer.
Mary C.
katherine, i think you are amazing, because i can see how awesome our God is through your being less and allowing him to be more. keep the posts coming cause it reminds me of how i must/can pray for you.
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